Sunday, Nov. 30, 2003 12:04 p.m.

I'm feeling I'm feeling

Well, again I've been away for far too long. But today i just needed to write. Today is not any different than any other day. Just the same old same old. But still some how with that said it is sort of different. There have been observations that have been brought to my attention. Nothing bad just observations about my character. Things I've already knew but tried to forget. It's strange when someone you love tells you about how they see you that it is seen differently by yourself. Ok so enough ranting here it goes. Theses are the things that are useless in my life, Things that I obsess needlessly over or can just do without. (Deep Breath) Obsessing, I go over and over in my mind things that are not in my control.This is a useless hobby.AND NEED's TO BE STOPPED. Ok too dramatic.But really I worry about things like (another deep breath)I can't believe I'm really going to do this, here it goes. Obsessing over: My mother maybe going to jail, Amina in the hospital,Sara, My cat, Christmas and will i have enough money. My little sister and how i feel like I've abandoned her. My father and how every time i see him he looks older and it scares me. My sister and how she's so upset about her grandmother. My brother and how much i miss him. My health and how my thyroid is making me feel really bad.How it would suck to spend another holiday in the hospital. And I worry ( do not obsess over)how my feeling low energy, my crankiness and my loss of what used to be a nice body. Will someday have S running in the other direction. Now he's wonderful and above all put's up with my non-stop shit. But i wonder one day it's got to give. No one can be that understanding. I just wish....Ok here I'll now start my JUST WISH portion of this diary. I just wish: I could control myself when I start to rant on about nothing.Example- (a dramatization)"Shabooty dear, I want things done this way. Why did you try to be creative and do it that way. Don't you get that my way is better. i just don't understand the logic in doing it that way". And of course my thinking that everything is a direct hit at me. This is hard to explain. I will take everything very very personally. This is very bad. If someone forgets to do something it does not mean they hate me it mean's that I talk to much about nothing. So when i do say something that is note worthy it's hard to decipher. I have also noticed that I have become my father. It used to be very amusing that my father would go on about how things where when we(my brother and I) where growing up. It made me wonder why he always talked about the passed. As far as I was concerned some of that passed sucked. Why relive it . Well guess what i have become my own worst nightmare. I talk on and on about "When i was in college" My roommates and even the food. Now thinking about it . It sucked too I was in a daze most of the time pumped up on coffee, never sleeping, Stressed that The next exam was it ...and that my head would one day explode. Then there's the constant talking about my childhood. I've I've said before some of it need's to be foregotten. And some of it need's to be dicusses with my brother and not S.Only my brother can know what it feels like to have been there. He was... So i say to myself. " Stop the shit and just enjoy life. I mean really things are going great. ENOUGH ALREADY....

past - present

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